Why I am an ex-vegan: health, environmentalism and ethics

When I was vegan, I often told people I would “never go back” to eating meat. Yet here we are...

This post was originally published by me on Medium.

I’d like to preface this by saying that I am acutely aware that being able to choose what you do and don’t eat, with your main concern being the impact of your choices, is inherently privileged. I acknowledge this. Please don’t take this as a critique of anyone else — especially those with limited choices.

I was vegan for almost four years. Before I explain why I am no longer vegan, I’d like to make a few points:

• I loved veganism. I felt really connected to the movement and despite the typical jokes you hear about them, most other vegans I have met are wonderful people with great intentions.

• I found veganism so easy. I love vegan food. I never missed animal products and I never cheated.

• From the beginning of my veganism I ate a balanced vegan diet. Lots of protein, lots of veggies, healthy grains, limited junk food.

• I supplemented the entire time I was vegan. I took a B12 spray/tablet daily, plus a daily multivitamin that contained everything important including iron and iodine.

• Even though I am no longer vegan, I still hold many of my vegan values. I only buy cruelty-free beauty products, and I avoid palm oil as much as possible.

• Prior to veganism, I was vegetarian for almost ten years.

• I became vegan for ethical reasons — which was reinforced by environmental reasons soon after. Health was never my main motivator but I thought it was a nice bonus.

Why I’m not vegan anymore

Health wasn’t what got me into veganism — but it is what brought me out of it. During my first three years of veganism, I felt pretty great. I always had energy, and I felt really good and light after meals.

However, things took a turn after the three year mark. At first, I tried to make various lifestyle changes. It didn’t even occur to me that veganism could be the cause of my health issues. After all, I had felt great up to this point. But process of elimination, and some concerns from my friends, made me face the reality that the vegan diet could be causing my health issues.

Here’s a brief summary of how my health declined after three years:

• Almost constant fatigue and lack of energy

• Large black bags under my eyes that would not budge, even if I consistently got enough sleep (this is a major sign of anaemia — more about this later)

• Poor skin quality — cystic acne on my cheeks, dry patches of skin

• Low mood and irritability

• Vertigo and dizziness

• Brain fog

• Anxiety

• Blood tests from my doctor revealed I was B12 and iron deficient, despite supplementing daily and eating fortified foods

The onset of these health issues was gradual, and of course I didn’t experience them all simultaneously, but it started to drastically affect my quality of life. I struggled with the idea of reintroducing animal products for around six months. I didn’t take the decision lightly. I felt crushed by guilt at the thought of it.

I finally caved in December 2019. I decided I would try eating two eggs a day for a week, to see if I felt a difference. I still remember what it felt like waking up after the second day. For the first time in I don’t know how long, my head felt clear. My mood felt stable. I felt normal. The only way I can describe it is by comparing it to sitting in a room as the sun sets outside. Someone comes in and turns the lights on, and the brilliant light shocks you — you didn’t realise how dark it was before. It was like that feeling, but in my brain. A light switched back on.

This shocked me. I had spent years convinced that veganism was healthy — if not the healthiest diet on the planet. Feeling better, and seeing my health issues gradually improve after eating animal products, totally shattered my world view.

Nutrient Bioavailability

One of the hardest things I’ve had to come to terms with post-veganism is nutrient bioavailability. Basically, it is easier for most people to absorb certain nutrients from animal products compared to plant-based products. This is something I had never heard about as a vegan.

There is a reason why I became anaemic eating lentils, nuts, tofu and beans but felt better when I consumed eggs. Animal-based proteins and nutrients, such as heme iron, are easily absorbed by humans. Absorption rates differ from person to person, but I clearly wasn’t absorbing plant-based, non-heme iron well. This explains why I was B12 and iron deficient even when I was consuming supplements and eating protein rich plant foods.

“You were never really vegan”

There has been a swathe of people renouncing veganism in the past year or so. The most notable for me was Bonny Rebecca, a former vegan activist. Five years of veganism resulted in her and her partner experiencing severe health issues.

It’s not surprising to me that many people are leaving veganism. There seems to be a pattern of former vegans falling back to eating animal products within 3–5 years. This trend is concerning as it indicates that for most people, the lifestyle is unsustainable long-term. What’s more concerning is the reaction from the vegan community. Saying that people were never really vegan, that they are selfish for putting their own health first, is so backwards it actually scares me. Even when I was vegan, I felt sympathy for ex-vegans like Bonny, and I couldn’t understand why people were giving her such a hard time. True compassion cannot extend to all animals and stop at other human beings.

Another thing that bothers me about vegan views on ex-vegans is the belief that people should exhaust all options to improve their health in a vegan-friendly way. Buying expensive supplements and powders, visiting homeopathic doctors and naturopaths, going on extreme elimination diets. Healthy eating is not that complicated, and it shouldn’t cost you lots of money. Expecting people to spend money on expensive treatments and consultants, instead of simply eating some eggs or fish, doesn’t make sense to me and neglects the key problem — if a diet is causing malnourishment that can only be resolved by complex, prolonged treatments, maybe it is not a sustainable option.

What I eat now, and the importance of local, seasonal food

Currently, I would say my diet is still predominantly vegan/vegetarian. I love vegan food and I still gravitate towards it a lot. It’s not unusual for me to have consecutive days of eating only vegan food.

However, incorporating small amounts of animal products into my diet has made me feel so much better. My health has skyrocketed. My skin has cleared, my energy levels have shot up, my brain fog and vertigo are totally gone.

I have incorporated the following animal products into my diet:

• Organic free-range eggs (two eggs a few mornings each week)

• Wild caught fish; salmon and cod (twice per month)

• Grass-fed, free range beef (once per month)

• Organic, free range chicken (once per month)

• Bivalves like mussels and oysters (occasionally)

• Organic local honey (occasionally)

There is a reason why I haven’t fallen back to vegetarianism. After years as a vegan I have become lactose-intolerant, so I try to avoid dairy products. Simply consuming eggs wasn’t enough for my healing — I found that incorporating fish and red meat has made me feel a lot better. I think the omega 3 fats and bioavailable iron in those foods has really helped my energy levels and mental clarity. I have also read more about cholesterol and its importance in the production of female hormones. I suspect that I had a hormonal imbalance due to the cystic adult acne I experienced as a vegan (prior to veganism, I had clear skin all my life). My acne went away as soon as I reintroduced animal products. I know this may sound like a vanity thing, but I assure you that if you’ve got acne as an adult, it is a sign that something isn’t right.

My skin after six months of eating animal products (left) versus during veganism (right).

When I was a vegan, I was so dependent on foods that had been flown thousands of miles to the UK (where I live). Coconuts, bananas, avocados, quinoa, tofu, Beyond Burgers, chia seeds, maca powder, almond butter. I didn’t think twice about it.

I now realise it is delusional to be eating a breakfast containing blueberries that were frozen in Chile, shipped to the UK and sold in a plastic bag, and claim that your choices are more environmentally friendly than someone eating farmers market eggs. In fact, eating local, seasonal food is one of the most effective ways to reduce your carbon footprint.

I am still totally against factory farming. It violates the most basic animal rights and carries none of the environmental benefits of restorative farming. When I was a vegan I believed that all farming was inherently unsustainable and that all farms were the same. This, I now know, is untrue and is a gut reaction to wanting to end animal suffering. I used to think that farmers didn’t care for animal welfare — I now know how reductive and harmful this belief is. I have gradually shifted my view of farming and its benefits. Farming animals can be done ethically and in a way that is restorative. I highly recommend Isabella Tree’s fascinating book, Wilding, to illustrate this point. What Isabella and her husband have done at Knepp farm has enormous benefits to wildlife and biodiversity. You can order their wild range meat online. Farms like Knepp Farm and Coombe Farm (who actively encourage people to eat less meat) represent approaches to farming and consuming animal products that I shut out as a vegan.

That said, I still don’t feel 100% comfortable with my choice but I know I should put my health first. I don’t know if I will eat this way forever, and I will constantly research and keep an open mind. One thing I am keen to see the development of is lab grown meat — if commercially successful, it has potential to limit animal suffering immensely.

Ethics and spirituality

When I was vegan, I often told people I would “never go back” to eating meat. I find it so strange that I am now eating meat occasionally. You’ll hear vegans say that once you see animals suffering, you can never go back. Maybe they are right, but I find myself in a bit of an ethical dilemma. Put simply, I no longer think the issue is that black and white.

I find this topic and the ethics surrounding it really difficult to process. I love animals, and if there was a way that I could avoid eating them and remain healthy, I would be the first in line to try it. I don’t want animals to suffer for my choices, and this is something I really struggle with. I know there are vegans who say “even if my health is not 100%, it’s worth it so animals don’t suffer”. That is okay if it is your choice, but I am not okay with this idea. I have come to the conclusion that I value my own health over the life of an animal, which took me a long time to accept. In my view, saving animals from suffering and causing health complications in humans as a result is not eradicating suffering, just transferring it.

Human beings are animals and, like it or not, we have survived for generations by eating both plants and animal products. It is the essence of who we are. Yes, humans are no longer a part of the “circle of life” — we have completely taken over the planet after all — but that doesn’t change the fact that for millennia, our ancestors sourced nutrition from animal products. Humans are omnivorous — even if we have to cook our meat and use tools to hunt. As a vegan I used to believe in the illogical argument that humans are not natural predators (we don’t have claws; most of us couldn’t comfortably eat raw meat). But this belief ignores something exceedingly obvious. Primitive humans would never have developed tools to hunt, and would never have expended energy doing so, unless the reward for doing it offered a huge advantage. Just like eating plants for their nutritional and cleansing benefits, humans evolved to eat animal products for their health benefits. I haven’t come across a convincing debate against this. Believing that humans need to “evolve” past eating meat might be a good intention, but is it realistically possible?

Being able to eat animal products again has made me feel connected to a simpler, ancestral way of eating. I’m from Ireland where people have historically eaten a lot of plants and grains, potatoes, beef, pork, eggs, and butter. I used to think that being a vegan made you ultra-spiritual and connected with nature — yet as a vegan you are eating an entirely unnatural diet. There is a reason why in our history no major society on earth has ever been vegan. And no, I’m not for a second suggesting that we have to do everything our ancestors did. Far from it — I’m sure that most of my ancestors wouldn’t take kindly to the fact that I’m engaged to another woman.

The complex thing about animal rights is that the consumption of animals is inherently tied to health and biology, as well as societal norms and tradition. This, I believe, separates it somewhat from other movements like women's rights or gay rights, for example. We can’t make the argument “people used to eat meat, now we have moved past that” in the same way we make the argument that “women used to not have the right to vote, now we have moved past that”. In my opinion, it is not comparable. Giving women the right to vote doesn’t have any negative implications — it is progressive and just. Inversely, stopping people from consuming animal products would definitely reduce animal suffering, but it could have detrimental health effects on a large majority of the population. In my opinion, it’s not quite the same.

Overall, I feel like issues surrounding animal rights are very complex, and I know that vegans have the best intentions. Nobody wants to witness animals suffering or being mistreated. I understand the movement but I worry about the possible health impacts of an increasingly vegan society.

Photo taken at the animal rights march in London, 2019. At this point I believed that veganism was likely the cause of my health issues, but I refused to accept it and didn’t voice it out of guilt.

Extreme veganism

My decision to not be vegan anymore is personal. I love that I live in a part of the world where people are free to make their own choices. If you want to be a vegan and you feel fantastic — more power to you. I sincerely wish I could feel the same! I don’t want my choices to drag other vegans down. After all, this is only my opinion.

I will admit that I have become somewhat disillusioned with the vegan movement in recent times. Questionable beliefs and nutritional advice are rife in the community, along with the refusal to even engage with any argument that doesn’t promote veganism. These increasingly extreme views really started to bother me. A popular one is “you can’t be a meat eating environmentalist”, which is categorically untrue. Yes, I wouldn’t consider eating KFC every day an environmentally conscious act. But what about occasional amounts of wild game, or grass-fed produce? There is a tendency for vegans to be absolutist about everything. Eating meat = bad. I thought like this for a long time, but thinking about the world in these absolutes just doesn’t work. Life is complicated and we need to acknowledge this.

And then there are some arguments and opinions I’ve come across which are downright extreme. Below is a short list* of the most insane arguments I’ve seen vegans make in the past year:

1. This person on Jubilee — you’ll know who I’m talking about once you watch the video. My issue is with their general behaviour and their complete disregard for people who live in food deserts, or people who live in remote parts of Iceland who don’t have the option to eat Beyond Burgers every day. White, privileged veganism at its finest. They also talk about something called “the liberation pledge” — refusing to even sit at a table with anyone eating animal products.

2. This person on YouTube who makes the argument that humans should step in and put an end to wild animal suffering and even enforce contraception on wild animals. Yes, you read that right. I was happy to see they got lots of negative feedback for this, but horrified to see that some people actually agreed with this, or at least wanted to listen to these ideas being debated. The god complex you need to have to make an argument like this floored me. Human beings have damaged nature enough as it is — wanting to enforce our values and belief systems on the entire planet is insane and, surely, completely impossible.

3. This person who refuses to take the bus because when buses drive, they might crash into insects and/or birds. I. Just. Can’t.

*After compiling the list, I notice there are no women amongst my examples. This was not intentional.

While I think — and pray — that none of these arguments and beliefs will gain much traction, I have to say I am concerned about the overwhelming rise of unchecked, unscientific, unsound arguments about what is healthy and ethical.

Conclusion

I am so grateful for veganism and how it has made me question everything and understand the impact of my choices more deeply. However, the lifestyle caused me to experience significant health issues. I know these were caused by veganism because almost immediately after consuming animal products, my health issues began to disappear. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is.

This is just my experience. I don’t want to tell anyone how they should or should not eat. I know people who have been vegan for 10+ years who say that they feel fine. You should listen to your own body and understand when it is sending you messages. Our health is the most valuable thing we have. I contest any vegan who argues that anyone who goes back to eating animal products does it because they just don’t care. If veganism has any hope of gaining more momentum, the movement needs to be able to adequately respond to — and empathise with — health complications that can be caused as a result of the diet.

Overall, my belief system has totally shifted. As I vegan I felt like I was doing my best to be closer to nature, but now I see that I was more removed from it than ever. Now, I feel like I can accept my role in nature’s system. Consciously consuming some animal products has made me more connected to locally produced food and seasonal ways of eating. Most of all, it’s made me understand that everything isn’t as simple as it seems, and that what’s right for one person isn’t always right for everyone else. Life is complex, unfair, and confusing. In the future, I just want to cause as little harm to others as I can — including to myself.

Photo credit: Eiliv Aceron