In the year 2000 I was 18 and working at a candy store in the mall. All the mall people in our area became friends and one day this guy from a store across from mine came in to say "Hey, I just wanted to let you know today is my last day and I'm probably moving so I wanted to say bye and I hope you have a great life."
We said our goodbyes and this interaction stuck with me because that's what life was like before adding every person you talk to to your social media. It's not necessary. I do hope he's having a great life.
I had a very similar experience. I was a teenager, living in Kenya, and my family had befriended a doctor who was posted there for a bit. A year later, as my family packed up to leave, my mom said our goodbyes. I remember Dr. Sarah saying "I don't do well at staying in touch. I will always be grateful for you. Be well." It was brutal, honest, and loving. Similar to your friend, I hope she's having a great life as well.
I had a similar experience meeting a nice member of my husband's extended family- 'I hope we'll see more of you' and she looked at me and said, 'well, we have four kids and probably won't see you much at all.'
Turned out to be true! But I appreciated her candor and wish her (and her four kids) well.
I love how you take the little things (or not so little things but the things we often don't talk about/habitually do without thinking) and exploring them... 'Just' deleting people is harder than it sounds isn't it.... But we so often choose to break our own hearts repeatedly instead.
Breaking our own hearts, couldn't have said it better! It's strange that we are so quick to close doors in real life, yet we keep relationships weirdly open digitally. Thanks for reading Rachael 💛
Love the title haha 🖤 I've taken things even further and trimmed down even my real-life social circle. Since the pandemic, I've downsized my friend group even more. It's not that they're bad people or were unkind to me, but I can't maintain connections with so many friends. While I cherish our fun times, our relationships have tended to stay on a more surface level. There's nothing wrong with that, but I've realised it's perfectly fine to only run into some friends at parties and not force yourself to meet again. Actually, I may write about this haha just realised I have so much more to say on this.
Maintaining too many connections really is impossible. We are not supposed to keep up with so many people. Stringing along connections digitally also makes me feel neglectful, even if it wouldn't be natural or normal to maintain these friendships. Everything is impermanent and friendships are no exception. Would love to read your reflections on this!
Yes. Real friends celebrate your highs and hold you through your lows. Don't just delete them. Obliterate them. Salt the earth where their profiles once stood.
Love this! When I got off social media a couple of years ago, this was something that became so apparent to me. Like, it really is just about keeping tabs (so well put, btw!) It's impossible not to compare your situation to everyone else's. Even if the person is ostensibly a neutral presence in your life, I argue that it's not so simple--comparison is exhausting.
Really agree. Comparison is so exhausting. Even if it is a neutral presence as you said, it might not be the best thing to string them along. It can even be kind of upsetting and leave you in a position where you don't really know how to react to some things. For example, someone I knew about 7-8 years back recently posted about someone very close to them dying. I felt so sorry and wanted to reach out but then felt strange about doing that. Since we haven't spoken in years, it felt like an overstep. I couldn't help but think - should I really be reading this intimate update from someone I am not in contact with anymore? There are so many layers to this.
I still remember hitting 1,000 followers on Instagram. I was probably 21, the peak of my attractiveness according to society. Public profile - anyone could follow. Now I’m 29, and I’ve removed over 500 followers in the past six months. Mostly people who I’ve literally never met and share no memories with. I feel like I can post again bc I’m not performing for strangers. Next up is all the people I have met, like people from high school, that I haven’t spoken to in years. So freeing!
Yes exactly!!! If our online spaces are an extension of ourselves, then why am I stringing people, in some cases from 15+ years ago, along with me? I don't necessarily believe you need to be besties with everyone on your follower list or even speak all the time, but it's all about whether you would speak to them again, invite them into your home, etc. My follower list used to be so full of random people I met on nights out, old Tinder dates, actual ex-friends. Just NOPE, why should we do that and WHY does it feel mean to unfollow....
Thank you for articulating this, it's so right that you're just keeping tabs on each other, not connecting. I used to be very close with this one friend, then she pulled away and in the blink of an eye we hadn't spoken for 7 years. Following her made me sad, and knowing she was following me made me anxious. It took me a while to build up the bravery to do it, but I finally deleted her from my Instagram. Absolutely the right decision
"If I wouldn’t invite you to my house, then you’re not welcome in my online space either." Curating your online space is akin to placing filters on your mental space, the place needing the most protection. Protect all the spaces!
Turns out social media is a much better tool for sharing knowledge than keeping in touch with ppl. I always tell ppl I have no social media, but I have anonymous accounts where I use to follow ppl doing things I want to learn.
I don’t want to see anyone I know popping up there 😂
I’ve stopped trying to keep up with ppl in my life through social media. It does so much more harm than good (I compare myself to ppl way too much)
About a year ago my best friend was visiting and we were talking about this exact thing. We ended up both going through our instagrams and deleting so many people--like 100 people each--boys that made us feel awful, people we didn’t like in high school, etc. afterward I genuinely felt so free, like this huge weight had been lifted off me. It’s crazy how distinct and potent the weight of those digital ‘relationships’ are. You really only realize it when they’re gone. (Brilliant piece)!!
So cathartic, right? I debated doing this for years before finally pulling the plug. Love, love, love the sisterhood of you doing this together with a close friend - such a powerful moment for both of you ❤️🔥 Thank you so much for reading and glad this piece resonated with you Sidney!
Social media has made it so that people who would naturally fade out of our lives...don't. It's ok that we move on, outgrow people or even forget who they are. Thanks for this piece.
It took me a minute to learn this lesson in the mad grab for numbers in the hey day of Facebook but I’m the first to unfollow anyone who’s not engaging or actually bringing anything to the table - they don’t need to be exposed to my gratuitous selfies and I don’t need to know about their kids bday parties if I don’t actually know the kids! 💜♾️
“The person who makes you feel insecure about posting something that you know your true friends will celebrate.” Woof! That one definitely stung. Loved this read!
I love this post SO much 👏🏻 I actually went one step further about four years ago…and just deleted the app entirely 😂 Haven’t had Instagram since and haven’t missed it once! Best thing I ever did.
I deleted all of my apps and deactivated my social media accounts. I don’t speak to anyone who follows me and vice versa, so why bother anymore? My mental health is better, I am sleeping good at night. No longer giving these billionaires who own these apps my time. My true friends have my phone number. :)
Was it hard when you did it? I used to use them so much when my kids were young. Now I barely post but I have an old attachment to the idea of these apps. They aren’t the same and neither am I.
I found the moment of deletion not too difficult, because it was something I had been building up to for a long time. But since making the break, there have been many hard moments (including a very close friend forgetting to invite me to her engagement because I’m not on facebook)… I still think the positives outweigh the negatives for me though :)
In the year 2000 I was 18 and working at a candy store in the mall. All the mall people in our area became friends and one day this guy from a store across from mine came in to say "Hey, I just wanted to let you know today is my last day and I'm probably moving so I wanted to say bye and I hope you have a great life."
We said our goodbyes and this interaction stuck with me because that's what life was like before adding every person you talk to to your social media. It's not necessary. I do hope he's having a great life.
That’s a really beautiful example! Life really should be that simple 🧡
Wow what a beautiful little story.
Part of me is happy that with social media you can look him up and another part also feels like this is how life should be left.
The cognitive dissonance of it all!
We contain multitudes. It's ok!
I had a very similar experience. I was a teenager, living in Kenya, and my family had befriended a doctor who was posted there for a bit. A year later, as my family packed up to leave, my mom said our goodbyes. I remember Dr. Sarah saying "I don't do well at staying in touch. I will always be grateful for you. Be well." It was brutal, honest, and loving. Similar to your friend, I hope she's having a great life as well.
I had a similar experience meeting a nice member of my husband's extended family- 'I hope we'll see more of you' and she looked at me and said, 'well, we have four kids and probably won't see you much at all.'
Turned out to be true! But I appreciated her candor and wish her (and her four kids) well.
This is so depressing to think about but it's also so bittersweet :)
I love how you take the little things (or not so little things but the things we often don't talk about/habitually do without thinking) and exploring them... 'Just' deleting people is harder than it sounds isn't it.... But we so often choose to break our own hearts repeatedly instead.
Breaking our own hearts, couldn't have said it better! It's strange that we are so quick to close doors in real life, yet we keep relationships weirdly open digitally. Thanks for reading Rachael 💛
Real
Love the title haha 🖤 I've taken things even further and trimmed down even my real-life social circle. Since the pandemic, I've downsized my friend group even more. It's not that they're bad people or were unkind to me, but I can't maintain connections with so many friends. While I cherish our fun times, our relationships have tended to stay on a more surface level. There's nothing wrong with that, but I've realised it's perfectly fine to only run into some friends at parties and not force yourself to meet again. Actually, I may write about this haha just realised I have so much more to say on this.
Maintaining too many connections really is impossible. We are not supposed to keep up with so many people. Stringing along connections digitally also makes me feel neglectful, even if it wouldn't be natural or normal to maintain these friendships. Everything is impermanent and friendships are no exception. Would love to read your reflections on this!
exactly! it doesn't have to be that people are bad, sometimes people just don't click!
Have a wonderful Sunday, Farida 🖤
Yes. Real friends celebrate your highs and hold you through your lows. Don't just delete them. Obliterate them. Salt the earth where their profiles once stood.
Your space. Your rules. Your sanity.
Love this! When I got off social media a couple of years ago, this was something that became so apparent to me. Like, it really is just about keeping tabs (so well put, btw!) It's impossible not to compare your situation to everyone else's. Even if the person is ostensibly a neutral presence in your life, I argue that it's not so simple--comparison is exhausting.
Really agree. Comparison is so exhausting. Even if it is a neutral presence as you said, it might not be the best thing to string them along. It can even be kind of upsetting and leave you in a position where you don't really know how to react to some things. For example, someone I knew about 7-8 years back recently posted about someone very close to them dying. I felt so sorry and wanted to reach out but then felt strange about doing that. Since we haven't spoken in years, it felt like an overstep. I couldn't help but think - should I really be reading this intimate update from someone I am not in contact with anymore? There are so many layers to this.
Thanks for reading, Jessica!
I still remember hitting 1,000 followers on Instagram. I was probably 21, the peak of my attractiveness according to society. Public profile - anyone could follow. Now I’m 29, and I’ve removed over 500 followers in the past six months. Mostly people who I’ve literally never met and share no memories with. I feel like I can post again bc I’m not performing for strangers. Next up is all the people I have met, like people from high school, that I haven’t spoken to in years. So freeing!
Awesome, Elysia! ❤️🔥
I love this, the entire concept of also curating your online space to reflect the reality. Saves so much unnecessary stresses honestly
Yes exactly!!! If our online spaces are an extension of ourselves, then why am I stringing people, in some cases from 15+ years ago, along with me? I don't necessarily believe you need to be besties with everyone on your follower list or even speak all the time, but it's all about whether you would speak to them again, invite them into your home, etc. My follower list used to be so full of random people I met on nights out, old Tinder dates, actual ex-friends. Just NOPE, why should we do that and WHY does it feel mean to unfollow....
Thank you for articulating this, it's so right that you're just keeping tabs on each other, not connecting. I used to be very close with this one friend, then she pulled away and in the blink of an eye we hadn't spoken for 7 years. Following her made me sad, and knowing she was following me made me anxious. It took me a while to build up the bravery to do it, but I finally deleted her from my Instagram. Absolutely the right decision
More power to you! So happy you were able to make that decision. It really isn't an easy one.
"If I wouldn’t invite you to my house, then you’re not welcome in my online space either." Curating your online space is akin to placing filters on your mental space, the place needing the most protection. Protect all the spaces!
Turns out social media is a much better tool for sharing knowledge than keeping in touch with ppl. I always tell ppl I have no social media, but I have anonymous accounts where I use to follow ppl doing things I want to learn.
I don’t want to see anyone I know popping up there 😂
I’ve stopped trying to keep up with ppl in my life through social media. It does so much more harm than good (I compare myself to ppl way too much)
Haha, I agree - social media ended up being a bit of everything except actually being social 🤣
It’s like all the social anxiety without the food/drinks
About a year ago my best friend was visiting and we were talking about this exact thing. We ended up both going through our instagrams and deleting so many people--like 100 people each--boys that made us feel awful, people we didn’t like in high school, etc. afterward I genuinely felt so free, like this huge weight had been lifted off me. It’s crazy how distinct and potent the weight of those digital ‘relationships’ are. You really only realize it when they’re gone. (Brilliant piece)!!
So cathartic, right? I debated doing this for years before finally pulling the plug. Love, love, love the sisterhood of you doing this together with a close friend - such a powerful moment for both of you ❤️🔥 Thank you so much for reading and glad this piece resonated with you Sidney!
Social media has made it so that people who would naturally fade out of our lives...don't. It's ok that we move on, outgrow people or even forget who they are. Thanks for this piece.
Exactly! We need to give ourselves the (digital) space to outgrow people fully. Thank you for reading Michelle
It took me a minute to learn this lesson in the mad grab for numbers in the hey day of Facebook but I’m the first to unfollow anyone who’s not engaging or actually bringing anything to the table - they don’t need to be exposed to my gratuitous selfies and I don’t need to know about their kids bday parties if I don’t actually know the kids! 💜♾️
“The person who makes you feel insecure about posting something that you know your true friends will celebrate.” Woof! That one definitely stung. Loved this read!
I love this post SO much 👏🏻 I actually went one step further about four years ago…and just deleted the app entirely 😂 Haven’t had Instagram since and haven’t missed it once! Best thing I ever did.
That is amazing! 👏
I deleted all of my apps and deactivated my social media accounts. I don’t speak to anyone who follows me and vice versa, so why bother anymore? My mental health is better, I am sleeping good at night. No longer giving these billionaires who own these apps my time. My true friends have my phone number. :)
Deleting Instagram and Facebook two years ago has been so freeing! Love this piece and totally can relate to your feelings 🫶🏼
Was it hard when you did it? I used to use them so much when my kids were young. Now I barely post but I have an old attachment to the idea of these apps. They aren’t the same and neither am I.
I found the moment of deletion not too difficult, because it was something I had been building up to for a long time. But since making the break, there have been many hard moments (including a very close friend forgetting to invite me to her engagement because I’m not on facebook)… I still think the positives outweigh the negatives for me though :)